sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I currently don't understand fingers.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
