Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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