i would punch a child for taco bell
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
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