What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
