y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
