I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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