tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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