I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
