That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
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I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
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The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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