happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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