we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
