I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
