Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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