I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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