I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
