i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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