So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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