My first STD was from a foam party
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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