sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Sacagawea was the original milf.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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