You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
