i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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