no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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