Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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