So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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