i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
