I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
