I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
