Why are handjobs necessary in class?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
