I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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