just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
