So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Alive.
So much puke
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
