I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
