drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
