I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
