there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
