for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
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I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
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Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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