You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
