he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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