how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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