Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
