I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
