I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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