I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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