I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
