My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
