3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
