i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize