Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
