dude i'm inner monologue high
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
