Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
