He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
A bitchslap is in order.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
