So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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