how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
