paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
